Financial Advice…from a Comic

Since I’m an Expert Money Spender and a comedian I should obviously give you advice on your finances. Duh.
I also used to own a debt collection agency at one time (true story).  But now as a comic I no longer ruin people’s day for a living.  They just laugh when I’m an asshole.
If a debt collector calls you NEVER be afraid to answer the phone, no matter your situation THEY are a DEBT COLLECTOR…you win.
Top choices for investments: groceries, rent, and water proof mascara…because if you’re hungry, homeless and crying you do not want your make-up running.
The top, highest grossing careers are as follows: Bank Robber & Ex-wife…sure, okay…they’re kinda of the same thing. If you want a safe place to put your money in savings then, these days, put it under your mattress. I keep all of my dead presidents under my bed. I DO NOT CONDONE ASSASSINATION.
Don’t bitch about paying federal income tax. I like to think of taxes as paying rent to the government. Uncle Sam is just like a landlord that evicts Mexicans that don’t pay.
If your employees are asking for more money in the work place remember, employers, there ARE ways to give the guys in the office a raise without actually paying them.
To eventually be rich you need to DO things like rich people do: like shopping to fill the hole in their soul, embezzling other people’s money, pretending to care about the less fortunate.
Remember the 3P’s of Being Rich:
Private Jets
Pre-nups
Prostitutes
Finally, money doesn’t grow on trees. it’s printed up in factories where they make women who are guarded by men with guns strip down to their bras and panties so they don’t steal the supply. Oops! I was getting money confused with cocaine.
Video: http://bit.ly/financeadvice

This entry was posted in Advice from a Comic, Comedy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Financial Advice…from a Comic

  1. Rozanne says:

    Super content, I will be viewing back again frequent to look for refreshes.

  2. Teresa says:

    Excellent ideas! I have been hunting for things such as this for some time finally. With thanks!

  3. I really like your weblog.. extremely wonderful shades & theme. Did you create this web site yourself? Plz reply again as I’m looking to create my own website and would like to know wheere u acquired this from. many thanks

  4. Useful content and awesome design you got here! I want to thank you for sharing your solutions and taking the time into the stuff you publish! Sublime work!

  5. TimDavidson says:

    Cool info at least I think so. Thank you a lot for providing this information.

    Tim Davidson

  6. Hot Carl says:

    I’ve been browsing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It’s pretty worth enough for me. In my view, if all web owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the web will be a lot more useful than ever before.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *