Financial Advice…from a Comic

Since I’m an Expert Money Spender and a comedian I should obviously give you advice on your finances. Duh.
I also used to own a debt collection agency at one time (true story).  But now as a comic I no longer ruin people’s day for a living.  They just laugh when I’m an asshole.
If a debt collector calls you NEVER be afraid to answer the phone, no matter your situation THEY are a DEBT COLLECTOR…you win.
Top choices for investments: groceries, rent, and water proof mascara…because if you’re hungry, homeless and crying you do not want your make-up running.
The top, highest grossing careers are as follows: Bank Robber & Ex-wife…sure, okay…they’re kinda of the same thing. If you want a safe place to put your money in savings then, these days, put it under your mattress. I keep all of my dead presidents under my bed. I DO NOT CONDONE ASSASSINATION.
Don’t bitch about paying federal income tax. I like to think of taxes as paying rent to the government. Uncle Sam is just like a landlord that evicts Mexicans that don’t pay.
If your employees are asking for more money in the work place remember, employers, there ARE ways to give the guys in the office a raise without actually paying them.
To eventually be rich you need to DO things like rich people do: like shopping to fill the hole in their soul, embezzling other people’s money, pretending to care about the less fortunate.
Remember the 3P’s of Being Rich:
Private Jets
Finally, money doesn’t grow on trees. it’s printed up in factories where they make women who are guarded by men with guns strip down to their bras and panties so they don’t steal the supply. Oops! I was getting money confused with cocaine.

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9 Responses to Financial Advice…from a Comic

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