Craigslist Hates Me

I didn’t find my soulmate AND I was red flagged and removed in record time. Safe to say craigslist hates me.

7 Supermodel Tips for Life

They steal all of our eligible musicians, celebrities, and athletes. What do these glamazon babes know that we don’t? Seven things…pay attention so we can give them a run for their money.
How do I know these things?  I used to be one…I dated less famous people…so I guess that makes me just a model, minus the super.  But, hey LA has been kind to me, so eventually who knows?
1. Stay away from salt, dairy, and people who don’t photoshop. They all make you look bloated.
2. Just because a guy has a camera doesn’t make him a photographer or director.  Just because a guy has a card doesn’t make him and agent or producer.
3. Be pretty. Being a bitch isn’t pretty.
4. Cut the tags out of all of your clothing. It could stick out or ruin your silhouette during a photoshoot.  Not to be confused with cutting the tags out of your celebrity boyfriend’s clothes while slicing them up after he cheats.
6.  Take care of your skin. A great foundation leads to an amazing finished product.   Some hotties use Vaseline, it breaks me out so I use Eucerin.  It puts the lotion on it’s skin.
7. Being skinny is fun. I mean REALLY, REALLY fun!  It might not be easy for most, but it’s worth it…believe it or not, most of it is done the old fashioned way with hard fucking workouts and good, healthy diets or else they’d be dropping dead faster than comedians who OD…but whatevers.
Now go snag a movie star & amp; get on the covers of those magazines with hardly any clothing.  You can tell ‘em Sheila sent ya!

Advice on Religion…from a Comic

Financial Advice…from a Comic

Since I’m an Expert Money Spender and a comedian I should obviously give you advice on your finances. Duh.
I also used to own a debt collection agency at one time (true story).  But now as a comic I no longer ruin people’s day for a living.  They just laugh when I’m an asshole.
If a debt collector calls you NEVER be afraid to answer the phone, no matter your situation THEY are a DEBT COLLECTOR…you win.
Top choices for investments: groceries, rent, and water proof mascara…because if you’re hungry, homeless and crying you do not want your make-up running.
The top, highest grossing careers are as follows: Bank Robber & Ex-wife…sure, okay…they’re kinda of the same thing. If you want a safe place to put your money in savings then, these days, put it under your mattress. I keep all of my dead presidents under my bed. I DO NOT CONDONE ASSASSINATION.
Don’t bitch about paying federal income tax. I like to think of taxes as paying rent to the government. Uncle Sam is just like a landlord that evicts Mexicans that don’t pay.
If your employees are asking for more money in the work place remember, employers, there ARE ways to give the guys in the office a raise without actually paying them.
To eventually be rich you need to DO things like rich people do: like shopping to fill the hole in their soul, embezzling other people’s money, pretending to care about the less fortunate.
Remember the 3P’s of Being Rich:
Private Jets
Pre-nups
Prostitutes
Finally, money doesn’t grow on trees. it’s printed up in factories where they make women who are guarded by men with guns strip down to their bras and panties so they don’t steal the supply. Oops! I was getting money confused with cocaine.
Video: http://bit.ly/financeadvice

4 Sex Tips…from a Comic

 

Hey, Knower and Doer of Stuff here and yeah, I’ve had some sex…purely experimental & informational, of course. Now that I’ve had, literally thousands of encounters I think I’m pretty much qualified to be an Expert Sex Haver. 
No, I’m not THAT slutty, just a lot of repeats and an extremely high referral rate as a serial monogamer.
I have a bedside copy of The Kama Sutra and I’ve studied extensively with the most well known sexologists around the US including Dr. Ruth, Dr. Drew and Doctor Dre.
Keep these things in mind as you’re replaying your spank bank and thinking of baseball:
1) Role play is a GREAT and an excellent excuse to put on your old cheerleading uniform from high school!  And yeah, I still fit mine. I like things to fit tightly. *wink*
GOOOOO BEAVERS!
Note: it’s a  good idea to have a code word.  Mine is Stop… which is Latin for stop.
 2) Tips on having sex in public…plan on being videotaped…or arrested…or both.  
Cops are perverts.
3) Don’t use date rape drugs. Did you know that Rohibnol is Latin for really lazy?
4) Only have sex with people that WANT to have sex with you.  So you can’t just get to know me by slinking in through my bedroom window and getting into bed with me…that’s called rape. Rape is from the Latin, “You will be chased down, arrested, put on trial in front of a jury of your peers, convicted and thrown into a teeny, tiny man-cage.”

Now go…and have some hot, sweaty fun…and let me know how it goes.  I’m not gonna tell you don’t get arrested for rape, but I will say say DON’T RAPE!
For a more in depth SEX TIP video visit, comment and subscribe to my YouTube, because I said so: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msk9l6I_h6A