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They steal all of our eligible musicians, celebrities, and athletes. What do these glamazon babes know that we don’t? Seven things…pay attention so we can give them a run for their money.
How do I know these things?  I used to be one…I dated less famous people…so I guess that makes me just a model, minus the super.  But, hey LA has been kind to me, so eventually who knows?
1. Stay away from salt, dairy, and people who don’t photoshop. They all make you look bloated.
2. Just because a guy has a camera doesn’t make him a photographer or director.  Just because a guy has a card doesn’t make him and agent or producer.
3. Be pretty. Being a bitch isn’t pretty.
4. Cut the tags out of all of your clothing. It could stick out or ruin your silhouette during a photoshoot.  Not to be confused with cutting the tags out of your celebrity boyfriend’s clothes while slicing them up after he cheats.
6.  Take care of your skin. A great foundation leads to an amazing finished product.   Some hotties use Vaseline, it breaks me out so I use Eucerin.  It puts the lotion on it’s skin.
7. Being skinny is fun. I mean REALLY, REALLY fun!  It might not be easy for most, but it’s worth it…believe it or not, most of it is done the old fashioned way with hard fucking workouts and good, healthy diets or else they’d be dropping dead faster than comedians who OD…but whatevers.
Now go snag a movie star & amp; get on the covers of those magazines with hardly any clothing.  You can tell ‘em Sheila sent ya!

It’s not blasphemy; it’s Comedy!
Whether you’re Christian, Jewish, Muslim or Stupid you should know that having beers with Jesus figures stuff out. And the one thing all spiritual paths agree on is the awesomeness of The Thong Song.

I’m a Knower and Doer of Good. And since I’ve been kicked out of a lot of religions more times than I’ve been arrested you should listen to me on this.

On Christian Chicks-Catholic School Girls are hot!

Reading Material-there were originally 20 commandments but the Bible is long enough.

On Jewish Dudes-Circumcision, THAT’s why they’re chosen!

Afraid to go to hell? Don’t be. There is no hell…unless you count Detroit.

Muslims-Heaven is sluttier than you think, so sorry…there are no more virgins.

What up with Jesus H Christ?…Well, the H stands for HOLLA!!

~Jesus doesn’t care if it’s last call because he can turned water into wine.

~You call them disciples, he calls them his entourage.

~He was supposed to roam the desert for 55 days but Sodom & Gemorrah wanted to get the party started.

~He always has wood:

Jesus He is the most Most Interesting Carpenter in the World.

He doesn’t always drink beer but when he does he prefers Dos Equis. Stay thirsty, my children.

When an angel commits a “Party foul” Remember nobody’s perfect, except for the The Lord, The Light and The Way.

If you sneeze in front of Jesus he says, “Dad bless you.”

Want to watch me moving and saying all of this outloud then click here: http://bit.ly/religiousadvice

Since I’m an Expert Money Spender and a comedian I should obviously give you advice on your finances. Duh.
I also used to own a debt collection agency at one time (true story).  But now as a comic I no longer ruin people’s day for a living.  They just laugh when I’m an asshole.
If a debt collector calls you NEVER be afraid to answer the phone, no matter your situation THEY are a DEBT COLLECTOR…you win.
Top choices for investments: groceries, rent, and water proof mascara…because if you’re hungry, homeless and crying you do not want your make-up running.
The top, highest grossing careers are as follows: Bank Robber & Ex-wife…sure, okay…they’re kinda of the same thing. If you want a safe place to put your money in savings then, these days, put it under your mattress. I keep all of my dead presidents under my bed. I DO NOT CONDONE ASSASSINATION.
Don’t bitch about paying federal income tax. I like to think of taxes as paying rent to the government. Uncle Sam is just like a landlord that evicts Mexicans that don’t pay.
If your employees are asking for more money in the work place remember, employers, there ARE ways to give the guys in the office a raise without actually paying them.
To eventually be rich you need to DO things like rich people do: like shopping to fill the hole in their soul, embezzling other people’s money, pretending to care about the less fortunate.
Remember the 3P’s of Being Rich:
Private Jets
Pre-nups
Prostitutes
Finally, money doesn’t grow on trees. it’s printed up in factories where they make women who are guarded by men with guns strip down to their bras and panties so they don’t steal the supply. Oops! I was getting money confused with cocaine.
Video: http://bit.ly/financeadvice

Sheila Chalakee is a certified Knower and Doer of Stuff & Expert Sex Haver. Videos at YouTube.com/SheilaChalakee. Go & be not bored!

Hey, Knower and Doer of Stuff here and yeah, I’ve had some sex…purely experimental & informational, of course. Now that I’ve had, literally thousands of encounters I think I’m pretty much qualified to be an Expert Sex Haver. 
No, I’m not THAT slutty, just a lot of repeats and an extremely high referral rate as a serial monogamer.
I have a bedside copy of The Kama Sutra and I’ve studied extensively with the most well known sexologists around the US including Dr. Ruth, Dr. Drew and Doctor Dre.
Keep these things in mind as you’re replaying your spank bank and thinking of baseball:
1) Role play is a GREAT and an excellent excuse to put on your old cheerleading uniform from high school!  And yeah, I still fit mine. I like things to fit tightly. *wink*
GOOOOO BEAVERS!
Note: it’s a  good idea to have a code word.  Mine is Stop… which is Latin for stop.
 2) Tips on having sex in public…plan on being videotaped…or arrested…or both.  
Cops are perverts.
3) Don’t use date rape drugs. Did you know that Rohibnol is Latin for really lazy?
4) Only have sex with people that WANT to have sex with you.  So you can’t just get to know me by slinking in through my bedroom window and getting into bed with me…that’s called rape. Rape is from the Latin, “You will be chased down, arrested, put on trial in front of a jury of your peers, convicted and thrown into a teeny, tiny man-cage.”

Now go…and have some hot, sweaty fun…and let me know how it goes.  I’m not gonna tell you don’t get arrested for rape, but I will say say DON’T RAPE!
For a more in depth SEX TIP video visit, comment and subscribe to my YouTube, because I said so: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msk9l6I_h6A

1. Be grateful: I remember the good times like when, instead of me, she set my baby book on fire…then I’m overcome with gratitude…and PTSD.
2. Lighten up: I found delight in playing pranks.  So while the meth deal was going down in the family room I was in my bedroom blaring my stereo mixtapes: “Ice, ice baby….word to your mother.”
3. Make mischief: Once when she beat me with a newspaper and made me sleep on the floor with the dogs. I peed on the carpet & chewed up her favorite shoes.  Also, every time a Jehovah’s Witness tried to get in the house I’d quickly slam and deadbolt the door. Mom got pretty tired of being locked out.
4. Be childish:  When she would ground me from the activities I liked to do I would sneak behind her back and learn to read anyway.  I used it to organize all my fake social security numbers and aliases.
5. Drink…a lot: In my family it helped that she gave me a bottle of whiskey for my birthday…it was a logical gift for a ten year old because it complimented my tattoo.
6. Take a Vacation: Sometimes you need to get away from it all.  I ran away from home a lot…or as the grown-ups called it, “foster care.”
Final thought: Even if you’re proud of having your family written up in the newspapers you probably shouldn’t cut the article out and post it on the fridge-she already knows the details of her every arrest.
I promise much more later, darlings…KISSES!

Sheila Chalakee…and Death

Photo by: Ashley Marie Photography

Is your name Romeo or Juliet or is it Black Tuesday?

Even if you answered, “yes,” to the previous question there is no excuse for suicide. With today’s online profiles you can replace lost or stolen love & careers almost instantaneously by clicking a mouse.

It’s way more fun NOT DYING and watching how things progress for idiots who treat you badly.

Frankly, I disagree with trying to fit in at all.

If all of our outcasts had assimilated we’d have no nerds in labs discovering polo vaccines and theories of relativity. If there were no bullies we’d have no Lady Gagas or Ellen DeGeneres-eseses who both admittedly “didn’t fit in…and felt like a freak” in high school. These ladies placed top ten in Forbes magazine’s World’s 100 Most Powerful Women. All the comics & healers I know were (or are) beautifully broken in some form or fashion. Myself included.

High school was a TERRIBLE place to be. While the head cheerleader figured out which coach to date next and the homecoming queen decided which gown minimized her pregnant belly best I was being tortured by my peers on the frequent…as if adolescence and a crappy childhood weren’t enough.

Listen up, kiddies, do what I did for revenge-get wildly hot, skinny & funny!!

Never ‘off’ yourself for being different. One day the reaper takes care of that eventuality without your input anyhow…

Hang out noose-free for a bit: TRUST ME, life gets incredibly fun when your flying freak flag inspires other like-minded freaks to join you. Then your difference is lauded & applauded (sometimes by hundreds or millions). People criticize what they cannot understand. But individuality advances thoughts and perspectives …then society grows. Never dim your light to match others’ darkness. We need your uniqueness.

I’m not saying you have to be a troubled-soul to be great. What I am saying is, ”teenage suicide-don’t do it.” Transcending above pain is a glorious process that shouldn’t be overlooked while in the midst of despair.

Rise above, young phoenix-eseses…a glorious future awaits you on the other side of the bullshittery that is high school. Soon the bullies disappear into oblivion leaving people marveling at your difference and originality. Fitting in is overrated.

“Be yourself! Everyone else is already taken.”~Oscar Wilde

Much Love to My Fellow Freaks

Sheila Chalakee in New Mexico during her cross-country publicity photo tour.

Photo by: Ashley Marie Photography

Donating your gown is for people with no imagination; and, just like your choice in men, you can do SO much better:

*Wear it grocery shopping and tell the cashier you just came from the set of the sequel to a blockbuster hit movie.
*Have sex with a stranger in a carwash and use it to wipe off the excess fog on the windows when you’re through.
*Gardening.
*Paintball.
*Mopping up nail polish spillage.
*Use it as a car jack when you get a flat tire (disclaimer: it won’t help much if you don’t have a car jack as well).
*Burn it to stay warm while camping in the desert at night.
*Wrap your dead hamster in it to mummify him.
*Cut it short and low and make it your stripper’s costume for Halloween, or wear this outfit during your new job as a REAL stripper.
*Dye it plaid, stuff it with hay and make a scarecrow.
*Use it to inspire you to write a blog about what to do with your old wedding dress.

Sheila Chalakee and her summons. Red Cupcake wine-to celebrate losing that jury duty virginity.

Recently I found myself accompanying a friend of mine for moral support since she hadn’t filed her necessary paperwork before she was slated to appear for jury duty. Secretly I was hoping she’d get arrested and I’d get to drive her car around.

This was in Inglewood which is SUPER exciting!! So from that moment on I completely felt the need to rhyme everything with ‘hood…if you’ve never tried it you should.
Court is my least favorite place next to jail and operating tables…I’ve dealt with all of those more times than I care to admit. It’s very unglamorous and not nearly as cool as you see in the movies. I’m always tempted to leave a suggestion in the comment box that they needed more drapes and certificates and tables without initials carved into it…more triumphant faces with tears streaming down cheeks and less out of order toilets.
At the metal detector I was disappointed when the young, hot rookie refused me a proper pat down, but he did tell me to take everything off, “Unzip it, and come through,” with my hands up. I’m not endorsing sexual harassment, but during a reasonable search and seizure it can sometimes be fun.
The jurors watching the how to video were so bored and uninterested I silently hope that no death penalty cases would be sentenced from this pool of my “peers”… Justice.
*deep sigh*
Not only were we a day early, but the instructions were on the paperwork…so that was fun. I made sure to ask the lady in charge, “Are you SURE you don’t want to arrest my friend…I could really use her car.”
Guess who just got summoned?!! Karma is a bitch.
Damn those lady suffragists…voting is NOT even worth the hassle of jury duty.
*groan*
Want more of my whining on video? Here ya go (I just rhymed again, teehee): http://www.bubbletweet.com/channel/sheilachalakee/cg8gr